


my soul's calm retreat

by everystarfall



Category: Austin & Murry-O'Keefe Families - Madeleine L'Engle
Genre: F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 08:16:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8883550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everystarfall/pseuds/everystarfall
Summary: “Did you break up with Adam?” She asked immediately.

  “No,” I replied, wincing at the tone of my voice that sounded unnecessarily defensive. To be fair, it was maybe sort of a lie. 
  “You’re too clingy, Vicky. Guys don’t like that.” 
  Dating advice from my 17 year old little sister, just what I always wanted.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pressdbtwnpages](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pressdbtwnpages/gifts).



“Have you talked to Adam recently?” 

My brother John’s voice was deceptively light, as if he knew something he didn’t expect me to know. Suzy would do this too, and I was beginning to get annoyed by it. 

“I have, just the other day. Why?” I didn’t like being short with John - he and I have always been closer with each other than we have with our other siblings (Rob excepted) - but ever since Adam and I had first met, I have felt that my family expects me not to communicate with him. I suppose it makes sense, in a way, for John to think so, since he and Adam were friends first. But that’s the thing about Adam and me - we were always good about communicating. 

I couldn’t tell if John was trying to cover surprise, or we just had a bad phone connection, but it took a moment before he replied. “He mentioned to me he was going on a date. I had just thought… I mean, is everything okay?”

I smiled a little sadly, although there was no one else in my dorm room to see. “Yeah, I know. He told me about it too.” Let John have to come out and ask me questions. I don’t know why I was feeling so mean, but there it was.

“But… I thought you and he… did you break up?”

“Kind of. It’s not like you think. In any case, he’s still in California, I’m in Massachusetts. Our schedules don’t exactly match up.”

“So…?”

“Look, John. It’s between Adam and me. And we’ve worked it out. He’s fine. I’m fine. I’m going on a date tonight, too, actually.”

“You are?” That was definitely surprise. 

“Yeah… so, I should go. Talk to you next week.” As much as I hated being mean to John, I could tell if I didn’t get off the phone, I was going to get meaner. And, it was true; I did have a date. 

“Vic - “

“Bye, John.” I hung up the phone.

+++

It was true that Adam and I had broken up, sort of. We’d been going through a patch in which he wouldn’t return my calls - it didn’t bother me much as I knew he was swamped with work, but after awhile I started asking for proof-of-life texts, and at that point I knew I needed more from him. Suzy had been out visiting, ostensibly to check out Simmons where I was, but the idea of Suzy at a women’s college was something I don’t think any of us could envision. Luckily Boston had enough choices for the trip to still be worthwhile for her as a prospective college visit. 

We had been checking out Harvard Medical School - she was insistent on visiting and I’d agreed to be her Boston-area guide. I was on break from classes and she was visiting me instead of me coming home. As we were walking around campus, apparently I’d checked my phone for texts one too many times, in her opinion. 

“Will you stop looking at your phone and sighing, Vicky? No wonder Adam isn’t replying if you’re keeping him on such a leash!” 

“It’s not like that, Suzy,” I had said, gritting my teeth. Suzy was always the best at getting under my skin immediately. “I just haven’t heard from him. He was out on a boat this weekend, I just want to know he’s okay.”

“Of course he’s okay. You would have heard if not. God, Vicky, you’re so needy. I was so proud of you for not following him to California when you went to college, but I don’t think smothering him from afar is much better.” 

My sister stalked off with the friend she’d made within the first five minutes of arriving, leaving me with no turn to reply. 

+

When Suzy was out with her new friends later - with a promise from a couple of my friends to keep an eye on her, as Suzy had absolutely forbidden me from “chaperoning” - I finally called Adam at his apartment, and he picked up the phone. 

“Vicky! Hey sweetie. How are you?”

I was so happy to hear his voice that I gave in to the ease of our normal conversations for awhile. As our catch up wound down, though, I knew I couldn’t let him go without addressing my issues.

“Adam, I know you’re safe and you’re an adult and I don’t have a claim on you, not really, but I can’t go for days and days not hearing from you, even if it’s just a little bit.”

“Sweetie, you know I’m not ignoring you on purpose, right?”

“Yeah, Adam. I know. But if we’re… “ and here I hesitated, because I considered him my boyfriend, but I wasn’t sure if felt the same about our relationship. “...if we’re dating, then one of my expectations from you is a reply. Even to just say you can’t talk, or you’re busy, or you’ll call me next week. For me it’s a matter of respect. I don’t think you don’t respect me, but this is a way you can show me you do.”

I held my breath, wondering what he’d say to that. During that first summer of our friendship back on Seven Bay Island, Adam hadn’t been too confident in his reliability about corresponding. And maybe I’d overlooked that in my enthusiasm for keeping him in my life. But we’d had Antarctica too, and several summers after, and now, four years later, I felt we had established ourselves enough that this sort of expectation wasn’t going to be out of line. Still; it was not the sort of thing I usually felt comfortable asserting. Maybe Suzy was right; maybe I was too needy.

“You’re right, Vic,” Adam said after a minute. “And you do deserve that respect. It’s always been easy for me to … look, can we Skype this? I want to see your face.”

I got out my laptop and called him back. It was so good to see _his_ face that I couldn’t help smiling. 

“Hey sweetie,” Adam said again, and I could feel the flutter in my chest at hearing the words, even after several years of hearing them. 

“Hey,” I replied simply, feeling a sudden sense of doom that preceded a major change in the status quo. I didn’t trust myself to say more.

“So, I know I’m not a great communicator, and I never have been - long distance, I mean. But it’s something that everyone in my life has let me get away with. Until you.”

I smiled at that - even though I’m sure Suzy would have said it wasn’t compliment.

“I don’t know how much more reliable I can be, but I can try.”

“That would mean a lot to me,” I said honestly, trying not to show my disappointment at _his_ honesty. When we first met I might have cried about him not changing his habits for me - but I knew better now. It didn’t mean that there couldn’t be some wishful thinking going on, anyway.

“You’re important to me, Vicky. You know that, right?” The look on Adam’s face was so desperately hopeful in that moment that I would have given him anything he asked.

“I do,” I said quietly, watching his eyes light up as he smiled. 

“Would it be easier if we decided that we weren’t dating for awhile? While I’m finishing my Ph.D. at least?”

Oh now I was angry. “Adam, that’s not how it works. It would be easier for _you_ , maybe, because then you wouldn’t have to try as hard to communicate with me. But you’re important to me, too. And if nothing else, we’re friends, right?” I didn’t wait for his reply. “So I’m still going to care about you and want to talk to you and want to hear from you. Maybe I wouldn’t expect to hear from you as often, but… honestly as your friend I’m kind of offended that you even suggested that.”

Adam blew out a breath. “Okay, no, you’re right. I didn’t think of it that way. And I love hearing from you and knowing what’s going on in your life, and I would be upset not hearing from you, even if we were just friends. Okay. I see your point.” He paused, looking down at something that wasn’t in the camera view. “I want to be honest here, though, Vicky. I don’t know if I can be what you need - right now.” He rushed the last two words, which gave me an odd sort of comfort despite the dread from the rest of the sentence.

“What does that mean for you?”

He sighed. “I care for you Vicky, and I want to be with you. But I … maybe that it’s harder to be serious long distance? We’ve been in a kind of limbo since you were in high school, sweetie. I don’t feel I’m being fair to you if I’m not at a place in my life that I can be what you need right now.”

I rubbed my nose, which was starting to itch with a need to cry. I’d gotten weepier in the last few years - not even sad, just more likely to cry in the presence of strong emotions - of any type. “Adam, just say what you want to say.”

He ran a hand through his hair and looked around a little wildly before replying. “I don’t think I can say I’m your boyfriend if I can’t be what you need right now.”

I sat back quickly, as if I’d been hit. I don’t know what was so surprising, the way the conversation had been going, but maybe I just hadn’t heard him refer to himself as my boyfriend much at all in the past.

“Well…” I began slowly, trying to figure some way to salvage this. “You don’t have to say it. I still think it’s a lousy excuse not to try, though.”

Adam gave me a little half smile. “You always get me, Vic.” I smiled back, even though inwardly I was even more surprised at this - so often I had felt so confused by him. 

“What about this,” Adam began again, after a few moments of us not saying anything. “Can we be… more casual? And still work on our communicating? I mean, I’ll work on _my_ communicating.”

It sounded to me like he was trying to break up again. I was important to him and he cared for me but he couldn’t be what I needed. He was worried that we’d been in limbo but wanted to make our already long distance relationship “more casual.” My head was spinning with how much I didn’t understand him right now. Especially the more he seemed to think I _did_ understand him.

“Look,” I said with a sigh, trying to find a compromise that we could both feel good about. “If you feel uncomfortable saying you’re my boyfriend, then that’s okay - don’t say that for now. But as your friend, as someone who cares for you, as someone you care for and respect, I still need you to try to communicate more. We we were always good at that, Adam.”

He smiled again, faintly. “Yah, we were.” A pause. “I always liked that about us.”

“I did too.” 

He put his hand up to his computer, in front of the camera but several inches away, so it looked like he was touching the screen. I did the same. Even though our hands didn’t match up at all, I felt a little closer to him. We’d done this via Skype a lot, and oddly enough, this gesture is what made my chest hurt most with emotion. 

We talked a little longer, but then he had a seminar to attend, so we ended the call. Suzy came in and found me still at my computer, hastily wiping my face with a tissue. 

“Did you break up with Adam?” She asked immediately.

“No,” I replied, wincing at the tone of my voice that sounded unnecessarily defensive. To be fair, it was maybe sort of a lie. 

“You’re too clingy, Vicky. Guys don’t like that.” 

Dating advice from my 17 year old little sister, just what I always wanted. 

“Suze, this is just me. I’ve always been like this, and Adam’s known me a while. I don’t think my need for communication is a huge revelation to him. Or a turn off,” I added, thinking of the feel of his hands holding mine as we treaded water and I shared with him Norberta’s vision of time. I had never felt closer to anyone than in that moment. 

“Well, he’s all the way out in California, and you’re here moping. I think you should go on a date.” Suzy’s tone and the fact that she was standing in the middle of my room with her hands on her hips made me eerily suspect that if my life were a teen movie or romantic comedy, a makeover montage was in my immediate future.

“What?” was all I could manage.

“I mean, are you exclusive? You dated Zachary _and_ Leo while you were dating Adam years ago, so it’s not like he would expect you to not date. You’re in college three thousand miles away! Did you tell him you guys were exclusive?”

I shifted uncomfortably where I was sitting on the bed. We’d never really talked about it, but I had sort of assumed Adam didn’t have time to date other people. Mainly because he clearly hadn’t had time to even send me a text. But maybe that was my wishful thinking again.

“No… I mean, I guess it never really came up. I don’t think we’re exclusive though. We’re keeping it casual for now.” The look on Suzy’s face told me that I hadn’t said that last sentence with as much blasé acceptance as I’d hoped. I rushed to continue. “Adam always does stuff with people in his program, it’s not really dates, but I guess it could be if you looked at it that way.”

It had never occurred to me before that Adam might be going on dates. Oddly enough, the thought of him going out with people didn’t make me jealous. I liked the idea that he wasn’t out there alone, even if that didn’t probably make sense in light of my frustration with his lack of communicating. Well, Suzy would say it didn’t make sense, but it made sense to me. 

“Well, if _he_ goes on dates, then you should too!”

I scrunched up my face at the idea. Somehow Adam going on dates didn’t bother me, but me going on dates did. Not because I thought Adam would be upset - in fact, I was pretty sure he’d be fine with it - it was more that I just didn’t want to.

“Come on, Vicky! You can’t mope around here the whole time. At least going on a date would distract you from him not being here or talking to you all the time!”

“I don’t need him to talk to me all the time,” I snapped, leading my sister to smirk at me, likely because she assumed my immediate defensiveness was proving her right. After a minute, however, she came and sat next to me on the bed.

“It doesn’t hurt to try, right? I mean, you used to have all these boys after you, and it drove me crazy because it was like you didn’t even realize it, and you were leading them on. No - “ Suzy put her hand over my mouth to forestall my protests. It was an old argument. “I know you weren’t, now, okay? But that’s what I thought. And then, like, after you came back from Antarctica, it was all Adam all the time, even when he was never around, except in the summers. And now he doesn’t even talk to you!”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and put my hand over Suzy’s on the bed as it occurred to me she wasn’t angry at me, she was angry on my behalf, worried about my happiness. It was one of the nicest surprises I could imagine from my sister, even if she didn’t quite know what she was talking about.

“It’s okay to just want one person, Suze,” I replied, squeezing her hand. She smiled at that, and I remember Rob telling me that she had been corresponding with Josiah Davidson more often than she’d been hanging out with her school friends recently. So maybe she did know it was okay. 

“Promise you’ll try it anyway, okay? For me?” It seemed I was hearing variations of that same phrase a lot lately. But always the same reply.

“I’ll try.”

+++

So I did have a date, that night that John had called. And Adam had had a date as well. After Suzy’s visit, Adam and I didn’t talk as much, but he did reply to texts more regularly, even if it didn’t tell me much about what was going on in his life. I had told him about my conversation with Suzy, the next time we’d had an opportunity to Skype. I had been right in my assumption that he would be fine with me dating, and I assured him I felt the same about him dating. It was an awkward conversation, but I think it was just not what Adam had expected to hear about. And maybe it made it easier for him to tell John that he was dating, which he hadn’t done before. 

My date was a graduate student in the English department, and we had a good time, but it felt more like dates I’d had with Leo than dates I’d had with Adam or Zachary. That is to say - it was nice, but I wasn’t ready to invest more than friendship with him. I grudgingly admitted my sister’s suggestion had some validity, though, as I enjoyed most the casual adventure aspect of the date - getting to know someone, going to a play or to dinner or to an apple orchard with someone new, and seeing it through their eyes. 

I ended up going on several dates throughout the semester, though they were all very casual - my roommate decided that they didn’t even count as I never got - or gave, or wanted - more than a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. But that suited me just fine. 

Sometimes I told Adam about my dates. Sometimes he told me about his. He didn’t go on very many, and often it was a quick dinner or coffee. Occasionally out to a bar - but he didn’t like to drink very much, so he would have something else planned for the date so they couldn’t stay at the bar long. It was kind of fun hearing about the people he met and the things he liked to do out in California. And I think he liked hearing my opinions on whether my dates had chosen good activities and would Suzy have been disappointed with how it went. 

Despite the difficult start to the semester, the rest of it went pretty well. Christmas break was quiet; Adam didn’t come out east because he was working on a major project, and the weather was such that we didn’t go visiting to much of our family or friends in New York, either. It was nice to be out of the city, though.

It was when second semester started up in the new year that things started to go downhill. 

+++

My roommate, Leila, hadn’t come back for second semester, and she was cagey and vague in her replies to my inquiries about her. We had been pretty close, or so it seemed to me, so it was difficult and upsetting to not see her and not hear from her. In fact, I was a bit rueful at how I’d complained about Adam not texting, once I stopped hearing from Leila almost completely. 

My new roommate seemed fine, though she was never around - she had a boyfriend who lived near campus and chemistry labs scheduled in the afternoons, when I was most often around, so my room held a vague sort of emptiness that apparently only I could feel. Or so I was told by Polina, a woman in my psychology seminar, whose roommates were so loud and messy that she took to visiting my room whenever possible, and never hesitated to tell me how jealous she was that I mostly had the room to myself. As much as I liked having a friend around, Polina’s joy at the emptiness of my room did little for me but remind me of its emptiness. 

Two of the friends I’d been closest to, aside from Leila, were studying abroad this semester. I kept up with their adventures on social media, which was great, but it wasn’t anything like having them around. The weather in Boston was bleak and cold, and the winter was dark, and it was difficult not to give in to that loneliness.

Suzy insisted that I should go on more dates. John told me to make a conscious effort to get out and talk to more people. Rob suggested that I volunteer. I had a part-time job at a library, so I volunteered at their reading program on Saturday mornings, and walked dogs at the animal shelter on Sunday mornings. They were both good reasons to get up and be productive on the weekends, but most of the other volunteers didn’t come at the same time every week like I did, so it was like meeting new people every time. I’ve never had much of a problem meeting new people, in general, but I wanted to _invest_ in people. Casual acquaintances made that more difficult.

I did have friends, and I did go on the occasional date. I talked with my family a lot, though none of them seemed to understand exactly what the problem was. How can I be alone when I’m in a city surrounded by people? When I do have friends and family that care about me and love me? I thought of my sister telling me last semester that I was too needy. What right did I have to feel lonely when I _did_ have so much? I wished Grandfather were still around to talk to about it. 

+

The project that had kept Adam in California for Christmas break kept him busy through much of the winter. He was pretty good about texting back, and would sometimes start the week with a quick rundown of his plans, complete with emojis, but we didn’t get much time to Skype. On occasion I would end up pouring out my frustrations and sadness to him in an e-mail, and he would be quick to reply with a text and reassurances of his care and support. But they weren’t the type of e-mails he had time to write long, thought-out responses to on a regular basis. 

+

Winter began to lighten and thaw at the beginning of March, and a couple days of warmer weather melted much of the snow that had accumulated through the dark and bitter February. Classes were ramping up for midterm exams, and Polina had taken to studying in the library rather than with me, so I was alone in my room whenever I was home. I complained about it to John - because he still tolerated my “whining,” as Suzy had taken to calling it - and he tried reminding me how much I _liked_ being alone.

“You hated spending that whole summer in the loft with us on the Island, that year,” he insisted, as if he hadn’t hated it just as much, if not more. “You always go off to be by yourself, Vicky. I would have thought you would have preferred it this way.”

“It’s not the same, John,” I insisted back, for what seemed like the hundredth time already. 

“How is it not the same, Vic?”

_Ay, there’s the rub_ , as it were. I didn’t know how to explain it. “It just isn’t.”

+++

The Monday before exams, my roommate moved out without a word. That afternoon, I got notice that several poems I’d submitted to various literary magazines and contests had been rejected. I hadn’t heard from Adam and I couldn’t get a hold of him. I hadn’t heard from Leila in almost a month. My parents had taken Suzy and Rob skiing in Vermont, and John was visiting his girlfriend Mrinal’s parents while he and Mrinal were on break from grad school. 

I had not felt so unconnected and alone in a long time. Rob had once shown me a video on otters, how they held hands while they slept to keep from floating away from each other. Now it seemed to me like I had come unattached and was floating away, while the people in my world slept blithely on. 

And then I thought of the Thomas Browne poem in the loft at Grandfather’s, whose words I had strained to see in the sweep of the lighthouse beacon so often during the summers: But thou are all replete with very thou. I knew it was wrong to blame anyone else for how lonely I felt, as satisfying as it was at the time. But I also knew I wasn’t to blame either, not really. Sometimes hands just let go.

But I was feeling sad and all replete with very me, so I called up the animal shelter to see if they needed a last minute dog walker that evening. Walking dogs at the shelter made me miss having a pet, but there was something to be said about a creature who has never seen you before but is wildly, ecstatically grateful to see you when you show up. 

+

Since the weather had been getting warmer, and the snow and ice was mostly melted, I decided to take my bike over to the shelter. Maybe after walking the dogs I would go further into town and try a bakery or bookshop or little food mart that was new to me. If I felt I was floating away from my world, then it seemed like expanding my world should be the next logical step. 

I should have learned from when I was twelve and rode my bike after dark to Nanny Jenkins’ house because I was mad at John and wanted to get out of the house: I shouldn’t ride my bike when I’m upset. I’d biked this way tons of times before, even when the weather was worse or there was more ice on the ground, so I didn’t think it was particularly unsafe, but maybe I’d been more distracted than I thought.

Just like that time eight years ago, I don’t know what happened. One minute I was pedalling along the road, and the next, the wheel had turned, and I was flying over the handlebars and landing on my back on the grass and snow next to the sidewalk. For a moment - which felt a lot longer but was probably just a moment - I couldn’t breathe or speak. Then the pain rushed in, from my head and my back and my ankle, and I could only make a horrible keening noise. I knew I shouldn’t move in case I had a neck injury, but I risked moving my hands a bit to locate my bag and see if I could get to my phone to call 911. I had just grabbed onto it when two women in running clothes were bending over me asking if I was okay.

“I fell off my bike. Please call 911,” I managed, lifting my own phone about three inches off the ground, probably. One of the women, wearing an orange jacket, already had her own phone out and had dialed already. The other was crouched over me asking if she could call someone to meet me at the hospital. I stared at her, in shock, probably. My family was in the mountains. My friends were overseas. My - boyfriend - was across the country and not picking up his phone. 

There was no one to call.

+++

For all that I crashed my bike on a Boston street in the winter and landed on my back, my injuries were pretty light. I’d been wearing a helmet, and the nurse said that some of the snow might have kept me from getting hurt worse, in the end. I had a sprained ankle and a lot of bruising on my torso and a concussion, so they kept me for observation for awhile. Mainly I napped. The nurse had taken my phone and called my emergency contacts, so I knew my parents were on their way, but it was a long drive and I wasn’t expecting them until late. 

So it was quite a surprise when the nurse came back to check my vitals and said I had a visitor, and did I want her to send him in?

A large bouquet of sunflowers and a small teddy bear preceded Adam into my hospital room. It seemed so impossible that he’d be there that I just stared until he’d come all the way in, dropped the flowers on the bed next to me, and pulled up a chair. 

“How are you here?” I asked, at the same time Adam said, “Vicky, are you okay?”

We both laughed; I put one hand carefully to my head as if I could determine whether I was hallucinating from the shock. 

“I’ve only been here for a couple hours,” I said, and my voice came out accusingly, so I grabbed Adam’s hand where it was on the bed, so he’d know that I didn’t want him to go. 

“I was already on my way. I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to your texts - I was trying to surprise you.” He gave a small grin. “By the time I landed, your parents had called to let me know where you were. They knew I’d be able to get here faster.” 

Adam was stroking my hair back from my forehead. I still couldn’t believe he was in front of me. 

“Why?” I asked simply, unable to process any of it. 

Adam scootched his chair closer so he could lean on the bed, holding my hand in both of his. “Vicky, I’m so sorry about this semester. I know you’ve felt so alone, and I’ve missed our conversations. Long distance is hard for me, though I think I’d been getting a little better at it…” he paused here so I squeezed his hand in reassurance; he had been getting better. “But talking with you made me realize that I wasn’t what _I_ wanted either.”

“...what?” I had totally lost the train of his thought.

“Last fall we decided to take it easy because I didn’t feel I could be what you wanted, in our current situation. But in the past months I’ve realized that I wasn’t any happier and it wasn’t any easier. And what I wanted… well, I _wanted_ to be your boyfriend. In a way that was right for me, too.”

“What does that mean, Adam?”

“Vicky, I miss you. I haven’t been happy in California for a while. I don’t think you’ve been so happy here, and I know there’s a lot that goes into that, but I told you I’d support and care for you. And I can’t do that the way I want when I’m across the country.”

It was a good thing I wasn’t hooked up to a heart monitor because it would have been going crazy right now - though, due to excitement or dread, I wasn’t sure. 

“Vicky, I’m transferring to MIT and Woods Hole this summer. To finish my degree. I had to get my resumé together and do the application over winter break - I wasn’t sure I’d get in and I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. But… I’m in. I just heard last week, and was going to try to find a way to surprise you. But then you called me, and I had to come.”

I looked over at my phone, which was on the bedside table. “I didn’t call you.”

“No,” Adam said, his face bright and happy. He put his hand against my cheek and turned me to face him. “You _called_ me, Vicky. And I came. And I wanted to ask - “ here he reached into my bouquet of flowers and pulled out a rose that had been tucked away out of sight in the middle “ - if you would be my girlfriend. Just mine, and I’d be just yours. Your boyfriend. Just us.”

I took the rose and held it up to my nose, trying to hide the confused and excited smile that was threatening to take over my face. Suzy had complimented me on not following Adam to school, because that was too needy. Here he was, switching schools in the middle of his degree to be with me. 

“I don’t need you to do this, Adam,” I said first, clutching his hand anyway. I had to be clear on this. 

“I know. I know I don’t need to. But I want to. And I want to be just us.” 

“I want to be just us, too.” Adam leaned over and held my head so carefully and kissed me. Not a sweet, short kiss like he used to do, but a long, slow kiss, like a promise.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you had your accident.” He whispered. He was still cradling my cheek gently with one hand; I turned my head to kiss his palm. 

“We can’t be everywhere for each other all the time. You’re here now,” I said. He kissed me again and then rearranged his chair so he could put his arm around me and I could lean against his shoulder. 

My family found us that way when they arrived a short time later, and there were hugs all around. Dad and Suzy went to talk to the doctor while my mother distracted me with tales from their skiing trip. Rob was showing me video of Suzy falling down on her skis from my father’s phone when I finally started crying. Adam was there rubbing my shoulders gently and my mother put her hand on my uninjured ankle. We stayed that way for a few minutes, with me quietly crying and the people I loved holding on to me.

“We’ve been driving a while so we’ll go get our hotel and let you rest, hon, okay?” my mother said quietly, rubbing my foot. They gave me gentle hugs again - even Suzy - and promised to be back in the morning to pick me up. 

After they left, Adam climbed into the bed and sat with me, holding me. We were quiet for a long time. My phone chimed twice, once with a text from John asking how I was, and once with a text from Leila, saying she was hoping to come back after spring break, and asking if we could be roommates again. 

“Penny,” Adam said, kissing the side of my head, and I smiled to know that he’d picked up our family shorthand. 

“I didn’t call you, Adam.” For some reason, it was important to me that I set this straight. He kissed my head again. 

“Maybe you didn’t realize it. Maybe I wanted you to have so much that I convinced myself.” He leaned up so he could look me in the eye. “Did you want me to come to you?”

I did. “I did.” 

“Then here I am.” Adam offered his hand to me; I took it and held tight.

+++++

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> title is from "The Night" by Henry Vaughan


End file.
